do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
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