so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
