I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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