It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
