Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
