I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
