M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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