i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
