dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
