I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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