omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize