he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
