Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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