you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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