I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
