He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
