I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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