she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
