Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
