not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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