I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
