I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
