i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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