u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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