I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
