She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
