My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I just found a bag of teeth...
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
