he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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