It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
