I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
