Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
