My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
