Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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