toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Randomize
