it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
