Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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