idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
