wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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