Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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