I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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