Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
