obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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