Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?