My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial