i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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