Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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