hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
