she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
