my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
