So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
