yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
