Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
