I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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