I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
