I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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