i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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