I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
