You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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