It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
