I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
