im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
