Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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