I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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