My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
