I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
